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My waste of spaceMuch ado about nothing
January 3Good day All.
I hope the New Year has started out well for everyone...a new year brings the promise of hope for some; the continuation of good fortune for others or the end of a forgetable year for still others. Whatever the case I wish you happy days and long nights and all that you desire for the upcoming year.
I had a very nice New Years...went bowling with Sue and her girl and some of Sue's friends, then back to their place for some games....I had fun and had one beer all night. wow, fun with out alcohol....who da thunk it??! I was the DD for Sue and I didnt mind at all...no one really had too much to drink and it was a lot fun. Been a while since I have travelled out for a New Years celebration and it was nice.
I am enjoying this new found life with Sue. I look at her and I truly see a thousand tomorrows in her eyes....like she was the one I was supposed to find after all this time. And i say that with some...wonder I guess is the operative word. maybe even a small bit of shame, that I can dismiss my 18 years of marriage like that...like it really wasnt meant to be from the start. maybe if I had been a different man then, it wouldnt have fallen apart. And while that may be true, I dont know if I would have ever been truly happy with my wife.....as a partner the things I desired just werent there in her and they never really were from the start, so in all fairness it wasnt her changing...it was more a matter of me taking 18 years to discover what I needed. At the beginning it was easy not to have issues because we had enough in common that we had genuine fun together...but, after the kids came, we didnt have that emotional bond and started drifting apart.... for me it made me an angry man that I was living a lie and not happy and with no seeming way out....I lacked the wisdom or courage to step back and admit I was only hurting my family by living like that. And I literally mean that not a day goes by I dont think about what happened without regret and remorse...for my kids and my wife....for wasting her time and putting her thru what I did.
I didnt really mean to get into all that again, but I guess its my way of categorizing myself into the continuation of good fortune category I mentioned above...for while I have hurt like I never have before...I have hopefully come thru it a stronger, smarter, better man...a better friend and lover; a better father and man. I still fight my demons but I recognize them now and for the most part keep them down...who knows, maybe one day I will be able to look in the eye at that guy who stares back at me from the mirror and actually like him....
Be well everyone.
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I
was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know. Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am 43 now and probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day if I feel like it December 25Well, so much for my vow to be back here regularly. It amazes, since my life has changed this year, how busy I have been...and content...and I think that has lessened my desire to blog...because I am happy and living life the wayI should have been. Its weird that way. But becuase I made so many friends here...some of whom are still even with me!...i really want to be semi regular here.......
Like i mentioned, things are good. My girls have adapted nicely to spliiting time between their mom and me, and I see them 2 or 3 times a week, so I am happy-ish that way...I would like them all the time but as that aint gonna happen i need to be happy with the way things are. The job is going really well....fitting in and learning above the expectations put on me, so that pleases me. And I am still very much head over heals in love with my Susan. She is giving me what I am looking for in my life, and I love her and will always be grateful to her for that. Its amazing how just being in love and being loved can simmer your mind down and help you be ...content. I wont say make me happy because happy is a state of mind. No one should need someone else to make them happy...that should come from with in. What we need is someone to calm our souls.Plenty have supposedly better lives than me and are not happy and others have much less than me and are happier....its all in how you see the glass. Being content just makes the half empty part of the glass easier to ignore I think .
So thats it for an update on this Christmas eve(ya, I got stuck with the night shift this Christmas). I am going to go visit now and i hope those of you reading have a Merry Christmas and joy and happiness in the New Year. October 2Good Day All
Well, its 430 in the morning and I am at work and taking a break, so I will type or fall asleep!
Not too much new in my life...we are having issues with my oldest daughter...acting out, sometimes violently with her mother....which is unusual for her as she is truly a sweet caring kid.....I think the move and new school plus getting a cast on have played major roles in this behaviour. Her mother has started to see a counsellor with her and hopefuly that will give us some guidance...this is beyond the scope of everyday parenting skills.....
The weather has turned chilly and wet..a sign of the fall to come ...po...we barely had a summer here....rained a lot.....oh well.
Well, thats all i have time for....have to get back to work....i will get to visiting soon.
Take care all. September 24Good Day All.
Ok, I guess politics was a poor choice for a blog topic....I am searching for things to talk about that doesnt involve me talking about myself over and over, but I guess today I dont ave a choice, seeing as I am drawing blanks.
Ok, whats new in my life? Umm...Mackenzie, my oldest daughter, fell at a playground a couple of weeks ago and and fractured a bone in her forearm, so now the poor kid has a cast from near her shoulder to her wrist. She cant bend it and the scratching is going to drive her crazy some days...all this for 3 more weeks. Doesnt it just bug a parent when your child hurts and you cant make it all go away?
We didnt let it stop us from going to Niagra Falls this past weekend. The weather was great but the crowds were insane. But they had fun...especially in the arcade...you would buy tokens, play games to win coupons that can be cashed in for prizes when you are done. Its amazing the amount of useless crap 60 bucks will get you these days! But they had fun and so did I , so that all that matters.
Started working 12 hr shifts 2 weeks ago, which includes nights, and I am surprised how little the nights bother me. i thought I would be more sleeped deprived (and therefor more scattered brain then normal) but it hasnt been too bad. I actually like the fact that my days off fall during the week, which just seems to allow me to do more while others are at work. plus, night shifts and weekends are usually not as busy (unless equipment breaks down, then all bets are off) and you get a shift premium, so its win win. If I was still with my girls mom, it would be a bit harder to have a normal family life, but i still see the girls as much as I did before (except every other weekend when i work), so its working out well.
I am also enjoying being in the city again and the entertainment that goes along with it. Its still a city with nearby rural areas, so its a nice mix. All in all, i am glad I made this move....a great girlfriend....near my kids...great job....and a life....very nice.
Volunteered to help at a childrens water festival this thursday. I would like to be able to do some volunteer stuff with the time off I have and as i miss my kids so much, helping out other kids with help with that void a bit.
Well, as far as boring bits go, thats it for today. Be well all and enjoy your day. Septmber 23Good day again all
I am blogging again so soon because I am a bit tired of the other topic, so today I want to talk politics....something I dont know if i have ever done here before. It is a bit of a volatile subject, but with both an American and Canadian election on the horizon, the topic excludes no one.
So hit forth with your opinions, in a nice friendly manner if possible! I am curious about the American view on the canidates in the run. I must confess I usually know more about them than i do this time. I like the fact that a black man and a woman are in the race....that is something long over due, in canada as well. So if you are in the know, tell me the strengths or weaknesses of both sides.
As far as the Canadian election, i must openly confess to be a Conservative, simply because the Liberal reign was so arrogant and full of broken promises, it made me forget all about the later Mulroney years. But i wont say much more, I would rather hear your opinions first if you dont mind.
Be well all and take care.
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